Chocolate cake with buttercream icing.
Buttercream baby booties.
Buttercream baby rattle.
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I just have to say that Ryan looked really good. He has lost a lot of weight and is looking buff. He told me that he has stopped drinking alcohol, started eating better, started drinking at least a gallon of water a day, and is exercising every other day. Doing that he has managed to lose about 50 pounds. Seeing him is definitely an inspiration.
I will put some pictures on here soon. Until then you can view pictures on my Neverset Army Myspace or click here to go straight to the photo albums.
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Today I could have put my fist through a wall and not cared about the damage it would do, at least not to the wall, and possibly not to myself either. I am so tired of not being good enough and having every mistake I've ever made thrown back into my face. "You could have gone to college and be making more money" Really? How is that possible when I went and looked into school and was very excited about it only to be told I can't afford it and I'm not college material. Or, yeah mom, let's just throw my weight issue back into my face. No, I haven't been to the gym lately, but it's hard to keep myself motivated when I'm constantly being told that I should cancel the membership because we all know I'm not going to stick with it. But yet she'll send me some Baylor weight loss study where you take medicine so they can see how you react to it and they pay you. Sorry mom, I'm not willing to risk my health for money.
Money seems to be everything to her. At one point in time she said I should sell my eggs for money. Umm hell no. I'm sorry, but I do not want to be like Chuck and wonder what children are out there that I created.
*sigh* I just want to be somewhere that I belong. somewhere where I don't hate myself and don't wish that Chuck and Johnnie had never met. Somewhere away from the negative people in my life that call themselves family. But, unfortunately, I am stuck in this hell with no hope of a brighter future in the the distance. I feel myself slipping back into the depression that has been my blanket for most of my life. The one thing in my everyday life that I have always been sure of.
Amanda
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Last night Nokose asked our mother and father to help me in dealing with this pain. He was afraid that I may be offended by this, but I found it to be a very sweet gesture and am very appreciative for this help.
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